Subject: Noah and the Government
It is the year 2009 and Noah lives in the United States. The Lord speaks to Noah
and says, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with
water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two
of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build
an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
Fearful
and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember, "said
the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly
one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth
went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah,"
He shouted, "where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best,
but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your
plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw
the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a
fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming
I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had
to get a variance from the city planning commission.
I had problems getting enough
wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted
Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the
owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no
owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement
with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no
owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights
group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the
suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing
an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly
to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the
universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new
flood
plane. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with
the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by
not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized my assets, claiming
that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.
I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed
to register the Ark as a "recreational water craft."
Finally, the ACLU got the courts
to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since
God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore, unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!"
Noah wailed.
The
sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow
arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy
the earth, Lord.
"No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government already
has!!!"